I Shot for the Sky...

Do you ever get that motivated feeling? You know the one where you are completely at peace w/ yourself, you feel well physically, spiritually, and mentally, and you're ready to take on all challenges no matter how tough they may be. But, after said feeling passes, you hit a low point. You realize you are just the same as you were before the inspiration, and you still have trouble completing daily tasks...much less extravagant ones. You know, that one!

I've hit this low yet again in my life. It's not a huge deal because I go through stages like this all the time, but recently I've been on an extended high. I should have known that highs don't last forever and been prepared for a drop sooner or later, but I always ignore prior knowledge and tell myself it will be different this time...and the next...and the next.........

After church today I felt great! One of my friends got saved, Sunday school was actually decent (I met a Russian guy that was 6ft 7in tall in my class!!!), I got good foods w/ the parental units, and everything was just dandy. I don't know what pushed me off my peak because the last thing I remember texting Lauren was that I was in an excellent mood. My how things change quickly.

Things didn't get worse when I got out here to the ATL. I went and hung out and had dinner w/ some Incept friends. We played DJ Hero, and then I came back to my room just feeling like crap. I think much of my wishy-washy, up-and-down feelings about myself is due to my lack of comfort.

Don't get me wrong, I have come a LONG way in understanding myself and accepting that I can't please EVERYONE...sometimes not even my parents, but I still rely on that feeling of worth that is only given when I do something that is "pleasing" to them and/or others.

I've been having trouble getting motivated to do anything productive, besides Incept stuff, for a few weeks. I'm told in psych class that this is a sign of depression...I'm not depressed. I don't have time for such and ordeal, but why is it so hard for me to do simple things, such as cleaning the apartment, getting up early, going to church, doing homework, etc?

I think I'm burnt out and just need a break. I've done that thing that I've done all my life where I pack all the things that will possibly fit on my back and try to trek up the largest hill in front of me...which basically means I've given myself too many responsibilities and I'm crashing under their weight. I have to realize I AM NOT ATLAS AND CAN'T HOLD THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ALONE! Which is where my faith comes in...

I haven't been representing a Christian very well. I'm told if a child of God is spiritually dead for too long that God will either take everything He has blessed them w/ and let them go (not a loss of salvation, but a loss of blessing), or that He may just go ahead and call them home. Maybe these rapid shifts from highs to lows are my punishment for not being a good Christian example for others. My problem is getting motivated to change and trust that I can be strong in that change. One of my biggest fears is turning into one of those people who goes to church and feels better than those who don't, and spends all their time condemning others to Hell...I've been there and done that, and hate that part of my life. I think in my attempt at not being judgmental I lost my own conviction of the things that I do that are unpleasing to God. While trying to be a loving example, I became numb to my own sin. NOT GOOD! I need to change! I am going to try to change. I'm not saying I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be completely on fire spiritually or have all bad habits gone in a day, but I hope eventually I can get back on God's path for me.

I refuse to go back to the judgmental stage I was once in. Not to say I don't judge anyone now, because I still do, but I will NOT walk around calling out other people's indiscretions, while ignoring my own like I once did. We are all imperfect, but God loves us all despite this fact. Jesus still died for me in spite of the terrible things He knew I would do. Of course there will always be people who do certain things that make me mad, and I will probably still show my anger, but I hope eventually it will stop.

I must admit that this epiphany was brought on by the Sunday school class I complain about so much! If each one of them can grow, I can! I've seen changes in them just today, partially due to a good verbal beating from Chessie, but also because they are growing in their faith. I have to accept that they won't change over night either.

The real questions for myself can be found in the Tenth Avenue North song "By Your Side" (thanks Chessie). "Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? (let me lift up your face)...Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, tell me where will you run? To where will you run? ('Cause I'll be by your side wherever you've fallen)." I need to remember the words in parentheses. That is what God will do for me if I just rely on him. There will still be ups-and-downs, but I can face them w/ Him.

These are my thoughts tonight. Take them and use them to help you in any situation you can fit them. If you're reading this, then I probably know and love you. If you need anything, any problem or request, let me know...because I'm sure I've confided in you at some point in time!

Peace!

''The only benefit to conforming is that everyone likes you but yourself"