Burnin' My Biscuits

Lately everything has been getting on my nerves! Small things, noticeable things, no things...it's just ridiculous! Like just now I got mad because the Biggest Loser went on one of those annoying commercials when someone gets on the scale and it flashes to different people and ends on someone with their mouth hanging open because it is just soooooo shocking! What the crap is my problem. Even people and things I normally enjoy are bothering me, like some members of the Incept team and working out.

I'm starting to realize that the Incept experience isn't going to be a fairy tale happy land all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking forward to this summer, but I'm starting to realize that some members of the team are going to urk me! Ah!!! You know at the beginning of every episode of the Real World ever they go through that explanation of people who "stop being nice and start getting real." That statement is actually true. The roommates on the show all meet and are like, "Oh I love everyone, and we're going to all be best friends forever," only to be at each others' throats the next episode...that is what is happening with Incept and me. Little things are starting to really grind my gears, and I hope it doesn't cause friction with the team. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to be politically correct though...I'm not very PC...

I really need Spring Break to happen! This week has been sooooo stressful! I had/have 4 tests/midterms and my practice Incept tour...shoot me. Panama City is calling my name! I need to relax by the beach, chill with my old friends, and eat some good food...away from Commerce/Atlanta!

I think part of my moodiness may be the lack of chicken. I made the decision to become a pescetarian for Lent, meaning no meat other than seafood (ugh, another Biggest Loser annoying commercial), because I have been very spiritually lazy as of late. So I gave up something extra special important and am trying to rely on God to bring me through this.

Question: Should I watch White Collar or the new NBC series Parenthood at 10:00?

Answer: Neither! Study for your sociology exam...yeah right.

POSITIVE ALERT: I found my favorite church of all time, Buckhead Church. I say I love the church, but I haven't actually been to a Sunday service. For the past 2 weeks I've been going to their college night, which is Mondays, called the Living Room. Oh man, the music is awesome, the people are loving and accepting, and the messages are great. I JUST LOVE IT!

I believe this is where we come to a close tonight. Once again, if anyone needs me let me know!

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." ~Author Unknown

"Hold My Heart" - Tenth Avenue North

Song lyrics to "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through

I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO NOTICE ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU TURN TO ME

ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD
MY HEART

I've been so afraid,afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why


I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU RUN TO ME

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

I Shot for the Sky...

Do you ever get that motivated feeling? You know the one where you are completely at peace w/ yourself, you feel well physically, spiritually, and mentally, and you're ready to take on all challenges no matter how tough they may be. But, after said feeling passes, you hit a low point. You realize you are just the same as you were before the inspiration, and you still have trouble completing daily tasks...much less extravagant ones. You know, that one!

I've hit this low yet again in my life. It's not a huge deal because I go through stages like this all the time, but recently I've been on an extended high. I should have known that highs don't last forever and been prepared for a drop sooner or later, but I always ignore prior knowledge and tell myself it will be different this time...and the next...and the next.........

After church today I felt great! One of my friends got saved, Sunday school was actually decent (I met a Russian guy that was 6ft 7in tall in my class!!!), I got good foods w/ the parental units, and everything was just dandy. I don't know what pushed me off my peak because the last thing I remember texting Lauren was that I was in an excellent mood. My how things change quickly.

Things didn't get worse when I got out here to the ATL. I went and hung out and had dinner w/ some Incept friends. We played DJ Hero, and then I came back to my room just feeling like crap. I think much of my wishy-washy, up-and-down feelings about myself is due to my lack of comfort.

Don't get me wrong, I have come a LONG way in understanding myself and accepting that I can't please EVERYONE...sometimes not even my parents, but I still rely on that feeling of worth that is only given when I do something that is "pleasing" to them and/or others.

I've been having trouble getting motivated to do anything productive, besides Incept stuff, for a few weeks. I'm told in psych class that this is a sign of depression...I'm not depressed. I don't have time for such and ordeal, but why is it so hard for me to do simple things, such as cleaning the apartment, getting up early, going to church, doing homework, etc?

I think I'm burnt out and just need a break. I've done that thing that I've done all my life where I pack all the things that will possibly fit on my back and try to trek up the largest hill in front of me...which basically means I've given myself too many responsibilities and I'm crashing under their weight. I have to realize I AM NOT ATLAS AND CAN'T HOLD THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ALONE! Which is where my faith comes in...

I haven't been representing a Christian very well. I'm told if a child of God is spiritually dead for too long that God will either take everything He has blessed them w/ and let them go (not a loss of salvation, but a loss of blessing), or that He may just go ahead and call them home. Maybe these rapid shifts from highs to lows are my punishment for not being a good Christian example for others. My problem is getting motivated to change and trust that I can be strong in that change. One of my biggest fears is turning into one of those people who goes to church and feels better than those who don't, and spends all their time condemning others to Hell...I've been there and done that, and hate that part of my life. I think in my attempt at not being judgmental I lost my own conviction of the things that I do that are unpleasing to God. While trying to be a loving example, I became numb to my own sin. NOT GOOD! I need to change! I am going to try to change. I'm not saying I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be completely on fire spiritually or have all bad habits gone in a day, but I hope eventually I can get back on God's path for me.

I refuse to go back to the judgmental stage I was once in. Not to say I don't judge anyone now, because I still do, but I will NOT walk around calling out other people's indiscretions, while ignoring my own like I once did. We are all imperfect, but God loves us all despite this fact. Jesus still died for me in spite of the terrible things He knew I would do. Of course there will always be people who do certain things that make me mad, and I will probably still show my anger, but I hope eventually it will stop.

I must admit that this epiphany was brought on by the Sunday school class I complain about so much! If each one of them can grow, I can! I've seen changes in them just today, partially due to a good verbal beating from Chessie, but also because they are growing in their faith. I have to accept that they won't change over night either.

The real questions for myself can be found in the Tenth Avenue North song "By Your Side" (thanks Chessie). "Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? (let me lift up your face)...Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, tell me where will you run? To where will you run? ('Cause I'll be by your side wherever you've fallen)." I need to remember the words in parentheses. That is what God will do for me if I just rely on him. There will still be ups-and-downs, but I can face them w/ Him.

These are my thoughts tonight. Take them and use them to help you in any situation you can fit them. If you're reading this, then I probably know and love you. If you need anything, any problem or request, let me know...because I'm sure I've confided in you at some point in time!

Peace!

''The only benefit to conforming is that everyone likes you but yourself"

Holla!!!

Blogs blogs blogs blogs blogs blogs!!!

Recently Incept training 2010 has begun. I love my fellow inceptors! They are all FLY! I've never meshed with so many different people so perfectly. We all went out last night for Ben Williams's birthday and it was CRAZY! What an experience... I'm looking forward to a summer full of great memories and new experiences.

This weekend was really fun. I got to chill with Drea Thursday and eat good Chinese food! Nom nom nom! Then we watched most of Juno, which would have been terrible if one element would have been the slightest bit off, but everything fit so perfectly that it worked. I also got to know Andrea's roommate Haley who is super cool! "What's that's supposed to mean?!"

Friday I ended up at Olive Garden with Callie, Courtney, and Anna-Marie. Good food and good laughs! Then we went to Target. Afterward I went to Maysville to hang out at my Sunday School teachers' house. Normally I hate being around the people in my SS class, but we had a good time playing Phase 10 and yelling at each other over it.

Saturday was Logan's basketball game, which surprisingly wasn't a complete disaster! They looked like they had seen a basketball at times. Then, me and Lauren made the trek back to the ATL. When I got back I met with the Inceptors for the night of craziness! As Ben would say, "It was a struggle!" Haha

Today (Sunday) Lauren and I made a trip to the delicious Johnnie Carino's and to Movie Stop. Bow Tie Festival is the best pasta on the face of the earth!!! I got some good movies...Pulse, Paranormal Activity, A Perfect Getaway, and Awake. I have some good hours to spend in front of the TV. Now I'm watching Roseanne! What a great show!

Like I said, it was a great weekend! Peace!

Empire State of Mind

So right now my life probably couldn't be going better, except I wish I was making progress with a certain girl...but am not! A lot of good things are happening right now though.

Good Things:

1. I am a 2010 GSU Inceptor, which is like other schools "ambassadors." Basically, I will be showing new students around all summer and get paid WELL for it.
2. I am still on winter break. I have been out of school since Dec. 3rd and still have until Jan. 11th. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my family and old friends! Christmas was great! New Year's Eve is coming up (and it looks like I will probably be spending it at Liz's apartment)! The Inceptor winter retreat is just around the corner! It's been great.
3. I did really well in school my first semester.
4. I have shown signs of a more mature person, that I hope will continue to develop, over the past few weeks. My family can see a difference through the lessening of being argumentative. One friend noticed the change when I actually didn't respond in anger to a provoking conversation.

Of course there are a few bad things...

Bad Things:

1. Sadly, an old friendship is just completely dead. It had been flat-lining for a while and has now withered away.
2. My relationship with my dad is not getting any better. We've never been really close, but it's getting to the point that other family members notice...
3. The previously mentioned lack of progress.

As always good comes with bad, but right now the good is definitely outweighing the bad. I am starting to realize who I am, who is important to me, and that I can't make everyone like me, but the people who do are pretty awesome. I am beginning to be more comfortable in my own skin, but I still have a long way to go in this department. All in all, things are going well. This will probably be my last post of 2009, so farewell '09...you were a beautiful, eventful, and revealing year!

Unrest of spirit is a mark of life; one problem after another presents itself and in the solving of them we can find our greatest pleasure. - Kal Menninger

Gossip Girl...

OK world, sadly I let Ashleigh watch Gossip Girl in my room the other day and was mildly entertained. Yes, I hate me too! Very embarrassing and lame. I figured out a few things about the show:

1. Gossip Girl is full of beautiful people who can't act and who probably won't have careers after it's cancellation.

2. Gossip Girl has no plot, which is why they need the beautiful people to hide that fact under a pile of drool.

3. I could not give less of a damn about Chuck and Blair. Why are they on there? They are neither beautiful nor interesting.

4. Nate and Sareena should be together and make lots of beautiful, bad acting babies. They probably will be by the series finale.

5. Maureen is crazy! SUPER CRAZY!!!

6. Dr. Douche needs to grow a pair. He left Sareena in a wrecked car!!!

7. I could still not give less of a damn about Chuck and Blair. They are still ugly and boring.

8. Taylor Momson is good looking! Very gorgeous, meaning she is probably the worst actor (but maybe not because Chace Crawford is pretty monotoned)!!!

8. I came in on the season finale and knew everything that had happened all season, meaning not much went on.

9. KRISTEN BELL IS THE WORST NARRATOR OF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL TIME!!!!!

10. There is not 10, I just like the number.

So there you have it. That's my take on a show with below average acting and above average looks.

The Longest Day Eveeeeeeeer!!!

So today was just extremely long! I had to get up at 4:55 AM (!!!!!!!!!!) in order to shadow an Inceptor. I worked there from 5:45 to 8:45 then went to my last GSU 1010 class (tear...) at 9:00 to present on a final research paper topic and back to Incept from 10:45 to 2:00! Afterwards I went home to clean and pack for the weekend back in Commerce. I had to come back for Whitney and Andrea's birthdays. I drove home and left 30 minutes after getting here to go back to Athens for Drea's birthday dinner and am finally at the Commerce home to stay!!! I wasn't lying about the busy part.

Inceptor shadowing was fun. I met a lot of cool people and got a lot of experience for the possible job. Some budding friendships even began...my best friend, Toesin and my partner in crime, Charity. Today I finaly made my decision for my future schooling. If I don't get the job as an Inceptor it's bye bye Goergia State and hello Georgia Southern (wut wut my Southern friends!). If I get the job I'll stick it out at State at least through next Fall.

Andrea's party...awkward. I didn't know anyone besides Drea, Andy, Anna-Marie, and Andy Moon (???). I kinda know Liz and Shannon, but not well enough to be completely interactive with them. There were like 4 or 5 others. I gave Drea a snowglobe I got for free at the Commons and a hilarious card!!! :)

Today I also decided that no matter how many new friends I have, nothing will compare to my CHS ones. I thought about all the friends I've made since coming to GSU (which is not many) and none of them compare to my old friends. It's sad because it shows my innability to grow on my own and let go of the past. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I'm still so close to the high school buds, but I would like to say that I don't think about them everyday...I can't say that.

I also realized last night, while writing a research paper on anxiety, that most of my worries and stress are due to my lack of self-worth outside of the approval of others. How stupid! Why can't I be proud of myself for who I am, instead of what I do that gets a gold star. IDK. I try to adjust my perception of myslef and then one small disapproval from someone else brings me right back where I started from. I need to see counselor! Maybe Dr. Arranz, my GSU 1010 professor, will counsel me?! He's pretty cool!

That's all for today folks! Excepet I am going to try to find a good quote for each of my posts now. I think I'll start with this one because it is a lesson I need to learn!

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -JFK

TV Wednesday 12/3/09

So this is my first blog post ever and I figured I should talk about my number one interest right now...my Fall TV schedule.

Today there was Glee, the excellent new musical comedy on Fox about a group of misfits and formerly popular kids who are all talented singers. I have never heard someone with such interesting diction as Sue Sylvester, the cheerleading coach and an avid opposer of the Glee club,, played by Jane Lynch! What a character!

Ex: "I'm about to vomit down your back!"

"Your fears of persecution are a tale tale sign of early dementia."

It is about to go on a Fall break so I will probably pick up Law & Order:SVU on NBC at 9:00. It's good, but it's not Glee.

After my 9:00 dosage of musical hilarity I move on to the always classy Real World/Road Rules Challenge at 10:00 on MTV. On this nifty piece of work all the fun, trashy stars we know and love from the Real World and Road Rules (which sadly has been cancelled for a few years) come together to compete in physical challenges to win money. It's full of deception, betrayal, sex, and competition. Each season has its own fun twist. This season is called The Ruins, Champions vs. Challengers, set in Thailand! They are always in some beautiful location not near me.

Tonight I had a special treat. There was a Duke basketball game on during my television programming. I decided to become a Duke basketball fanatic this year because I need to be a crazed fan of something. Sadly, Duke played horribly and lost to Wisconsin giving the Big 10 their first victory ever in the ACC/Big 10 Challenge. Oh well, there is still a long season ahead.

Moving on, I star my week on Mondays with Heroes at 8:00 on NBC, which follows regular people with extraordinary gifts. The 4th season is EXCELLENT!!! Much better than the God awful 2nd season and the mediocre 3rd season. Sadly Heroes has become a victim of TV fads and now that all the hype is gone there are only about 6-7million viewers. This is quite a drop from the original 14million. Next, I move on to Greek at 9:00 on ABC Family. It is on hiatus right now. The show follows a group of college students involved Greek Life...hilarious, dramatic, and fun.

Tuesday is kind of a dry night. I watch The Biggest Loser, 8:00 on NBC, when I feel like it. It can be inspirational, but it gets repetitive watching people lose weight every week. This week I had the extra special treat of watching North Carolina win, which sucks!

Wednesday has already been covered.

Thursday is Vampire Diaries night 8:00. It is the only show on the whole CW network worth ANYTHING!!! There is actually a plot. Some vampire brothers move back to their old town and in Twilight-esque fashion one brother falls in love with a human girl. The process of siring a human in this show is quite complicated. There's something about being killed and drinking vampire blood...IDK. Every episode is a roller coaster ride without any slow moving spells.

Friday and Saturday are my days off. I actually do social things on those days.

Sunday brings us to "Animation Domination" on Fox beginning at 8:00. I actually don't start watching until 8:30 when the new Family Guy spin-off, The Cleveland Show begins. This follows the Griffins slow-talking, happy-go-lucky neighbor Cleveland Brown as he moves back to his hometown. He has a new family and it is a lot like Family Guy with less flashbacks. I continue on Fox with Family Guy, the most hilarious and original show I have ever seen. It is incredibly offensive, innovative, and poorly animated. It is just great though. The wittiness of the writers is just too much!

At 10:00 I move on to Brothers & Sisters on ABC. This drama brings out the middle-aged man in me. It follows the Walker family, headed by Sally Field, and the drama that surrounds their lives. Each episode has the same set up:exciting issue that not everyone knows about, secrets get told, everyone finds out, they all get mad, and they make up. It is much better than I made it sound. Also, I have a weird crush on Calista Flockheart...I don't know why...and she is on there.

That covers my Fall 2009 TV schedule....but wait not it doesn't! I almost forgot about the straight-to-syndication diamond in the rough Legend of the Seeker!!! This is quite possibly my favorite show right now. It was created by ABC/Disney but they didn't think it would do well so it went into syndication right off the bat. It comes on local channels at local times. The show follows Richard Cyper, the Seeker, Kahlan, the Mother Confessor, Zed, a wizard, and a new addition this season was Cara, a Mord Sith who pledged her allegiance to Richard. The plot consists of Richard fighting different evil things with the help of the others. The first seasons main antagonist was Darken Rauhl, who Richard killed. The second villain is the Keeper of the underworld. It's full of cool fight scenes, interesting landscape, and a budding love triangle between Kahlan, Richard, and Cara.

Now I'm done talking about the magnificent TV shows I watch. Everyone should have such good taste!